Week one of my residency

Well, I finally made it.

After a few heavenly days in Paris I took the train to Chaumont and then a car to Chateau Orquevaux. After settling into my magical studio I started to paint on Wednesday, the 23rd of April. I was off to a bang - two green and blue paintings that were inspired by the landscape - then two with purple and gold, colors at dusk. Finally I did two very bright and whimsical takes on my impressions of the village. Then I hit the wall! Massive doubt along side of huge expectations for what I was pressuring myself to create during this time. I had a kind of identity crisis - what am I doing leaving a fulfilling and successful career to pursue art. Am I out of my mind???

I got off to a great start but then hit the wall. After painting freely for several days, inspired by the colors of the landscape and the charm of this village, I hit the wall. I was putting all kinds of pressure on myself to produce something “significant” that would somehow justify being given this residency. This is all too familiar for me - the sense that I have to justify my existence and earn my keep. Once I became aware of it (and after a night of distressing dreams), something was released and I am in a calm, happy place where I can just enjoy the process and not worry about the outcome. I am interested to see what emerges over the next two weeks.

I was forcing paint on the canvas and, needless to say, nothing was happening. Then I had a night of fitful and distressing dreams - those dreams in which you keep calling but can’t get the numbers right and endless attempts fail to get through. Well, I must have purged something because I woke up feeling calm and at ease. I walked and took it slow, just played in the studio. I started by tearing up a couple of large canvases that weren’t working. Somehow, working on smaller pieces helped break the log jam. I am having fun again and looking forward to what emerges.